How Talking about your fears somehow helps alleviate them

Isn’t it funny how some people seem to talk much more than usual when there’s something serious going on? Not everyone does, but I know that I tend to do that. Mine usually flares up in anticipation of something. So if I’m waiting on some medical test results, I’m usually talking up a storm with whoever is in the same room with me. If I’m waiting for medical updates on someone else, like a family member, then asking them questions and talking about their symptoms just seems to work. I know I’m probably driving that person crazy but they may not realize that it’s like a stress reliever for me, to be able to talk freely and educate myself on what’s going on.

I’ve done this recently, as one of my parents started to feel ill in multiple places. Until we could get more answers I would continually ask them how they were feeling, what their symptoms were, just a general quest for a status update really. Doing that basically tempered my anxiety and nerves for a little bit, rather than me going stir crazy. Thankfully it turned out that person is fine overall, just had a couple of things that needed to be fixed/medicated.

It’s funny to say it out loud, but talking to yourself about your own fears helps as well. I have anxiety, I’ve had it the majority of my life, since I was a toddler. It ebbs and flows depending on what’s going on around me, what’s going on in my head. I got to a point where I was letting my anxiety take control and throw me into panic attacks, panicked thinking. It got to the point where I needed to take medication, otherwise I would constantly insist that something was wrong with me and ask to be taken to the doctor. The medication I took helped to relax and be able to reflect on what I was going through, what specifically triggered my anxiety and how I could help ease it over time. After a few months I weaned myself off of the medication to try to handle it myself. I discovered that I could feel a panic attack coming and I knew I had to do something. One time, I saw in the bathroom and talked to myself. I just started talking out loud, pointing out the craziness of what I was thinking. I found that to be my secret weapon.

You see, I feel like with anxiety (mine specifically) you can have these thoughts and emotions come through and you feel like you can’t control them. That is because your brain has convinced the rest of your body, including your heart, that you are dying or that something is wrong. Your brain is making you listen to what it wants you to hear. When you speak out loud, your speaking outside of the brain and I think that’s important. When I speak out loud I tend to hear it much more clearly and I believe myself when I’m talking out loud.

First Mortgage Payment, not as bad once you finally pay it..

I remember that one of the first things that worried me when we were house hunting was the mortgage payment. I knew it was going to be more than our monthly rent at the apartment, but I wanted us to have something more and to actually put our hard-earned money towards something meaningful. When we found our house and the offer was accepted I again had that realization that we’d have that first mortgage payment to worry about. There was so much pressure and tension in my chest from the anxiety. But I managed it, it would ebb and flow every now again, including at the closing.

Once that was over we were taken over by the high of owning our first home. We pulled up carpet, painted walls and really got things together for the big moving day. We got all moved in and unpacking boxes when I realized it again, the first mortgage was coming up! I was so anxious and panicky right until the actual day I went to pay the first mortgage payment. When I was done I didn’t really have that moment of dread that everyone had been talking about. I mean yeah, it kind of hurt financially to make a bigger payment but I wasn’t devastated by it. I felt a relief actually. I felt relief in that finally my money wasn’t going down the drain but to something useful.

I feel like my husband and I are right where we need to be. We can do anything we want with our home and it feels great. Once you get past that initial anxiety it’s all smooth sailing from there. Well, there be some rough waves, but you get the picture.

What’s with the animosity toward horror movies??

I’ve heard it again, the dreaded phrase, “I really don’t like scary movies.” A shudder goes through my body, all the way to the core. I want to sit down with them and ask, “Why not?” I’ve actually done this and the best answer someone can give me is “I’ll have nightmares later” or “I don’t like being scared.” I want to reach out with my hands and tell them that that is the point! You’re supposed to be effected by a movie, especially a scary one. That was the intent of the people who made it. Also, you can’t run away from everything that scares you, it’s just not logical. Spiders freak me out something fierce, but sometimes I make myself handle the situation. That’s healthy. There’s even been a study conducted, showing that you burn more calories watching a scary movie then something else. There’s just so many reasons to watch a horror film.

Now if you genuinely sweat, have heart palpitations or go into a panic attack, then no, you shouldn’t watch these types of films. Otherwise, you should, at least every once and awhile make yourself watch a scary movie. People often forget that horror films are not always based on fiction, but based on real life. I look at horror films as not only a thrill, but as an education. At a very early age I learned valuable lessons from horror films, for instance, you don’t go out into the woods at night, alone. Another lesson, don’t leave your doors and windows unlocked. Its lessons like these that remind us that although the movie may be fake, the blood manufactured, some people really do go through those nightmares in real life. Watching a horror film reminds you of how lucky you are. It reminds you not play games with your own life or the life of others.

I’ll never forget this movie I saw a few years ago, “The Strangers”. I didn’t really like the movie overall, at first, but the more I let it sink in the more I appreciated it. It had this great thing where it wouldn’t use a lot of music. I think that’s what made it so realistic because there is no theme music in real life. Would recommend seeing it if you haven’t but the basic plot follows a couple at a cabin and they’re being terrorized by a group of people. At the very end a character asks them what they want, why them? One of the villains replies, “because you were home.” That’s how the film ends. You’re left with the realization that some people do not need a motive to kill you, they do it just because you were in the right place, at the right time. That particular part gave me chills and still gives me chills. It’s a reminder that try as I may, I can’t always prevent bad things from happening. Horror films tend to remind us that life isn’t perfect and not everyone can be trusted. Maybe that’s the real reason people don’t like horror films.

Sorry, just had to vent because it seems like a lot of people use that phrase way too often. Its okay if horror movies aren’t your favorite type of film, but you have to watch one every now again. It’s good to get the blood pumping every once and awhile.

 

New House, New Opportunities

It seems like every couple of months there is a lull in my posts, and that kills me every time. But this time, I do have a good reason for the delay.  After 5 plus years in apartments my husband and I finally found our first home. We were shocked to find out that we could afford a home of our own and jumped at the opportunity. Next thing we knew we were caught up in a maze of hidden costs, packing, moving and unpacking.  People always comment about moving into a home, how they hope they never have to do it again. I can kind of see where they’re coming from. Although I’m sure moving from a one story to a one story will be fine, it’s what we did, moving from a 3rd story apartment to a one story house. that made things difficult and more stressful.

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It’s been a little over two weeks since we moved into the house and today marked the last day of inhabiting our apartment. We turned in the keys and drove away from the last 5 years, ready for what was to come in the next. It’s really bittersweet to leave those days behind. There were things that we hated about apartment and things that we loved. It’s just that eventually you reach a moment where it’s time to move on. You just have to grit your teeth and push through.

We’ve reached that point and now all we need to worry about is getting the rest of the boxes unpacked and get settled in. It’s still hard to believe we’re finally here but it’s finally settling in, day by day. I think the more we get unpacked and the more of our personality gets imposed on the ways and the rooms, it will feel more like home. It won’t feel like the apartment, it will feel like an actual home. Not liking the paint color? Guess what, I can change that whenever I want and to whatever color I want. I like that aspect of home ownership the most at this point.  It all feels good. it feels good to be settled down to the point where I can catch up to my writing again. I can actually think about things OTHER than fees, moving and packing.  Would love to hear everyone’s take on when they owned a home for the first time. 🙂

It’s good to be back!

 

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The Sound of Static

There’s nothing quite like a vinyl record. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Spotify account but every once in a while I like to play my records. The sound is soothing. It’s an older sound but so pure. The way the music comes out is the way people listened to music for decades. It should never go out of style. Whatever style of music, it sounds better coming off of vinyl. Well, heavy metal and club music may be the only two types of music that wouldn’t sound good on vinyl, but for the most part it is all-encompassing.

I got myself a record player a few years back and started buying records from local shops. I played the heck out of that thing and then all of a sudden, poof, lost the power cord. For the past couple of years I’ve been without the magic of my player. Well I found that you can order replacement power cords from Amazon and just ordered one. I can’t wait to play my records once again. I mean I don’t know much about how I will decorate my house but I do know that a part of my house will house my record player/albums. Oh yes…it will happen..

If you haven’t experienced the sound of a record, try it, at least once. I don’t foresee that you will be disappointed.

Daily Word Prompt:

Record

Nervous

I really don’t think you understand how nervous I was when I realized I loved you. I didn’t even know your name and you didn’t know mine. I didn’t know if you were married, single or otherwise. I just saw you and fell hard. It sounds mushy and foolish. At the time I tried to tell myself that I was being a silly, young girl and that I needed to be realistic. But something deeper than my brain or my heart told me otherwise. Who I was, maybe even my soul said to reach out to you, that if you were open enough and if you agreed to go out with me that we would be together forever. This was all going on in my 16 year-old head.

Can you imagine how nervous I was? My hair was orange, I wore no make-up and I was a year into braces. It’s not like I had reasons to be confident. I had to have faith that everything would work out if I listened to my inner self. From that first moment I saw you I saw my future, my purpose. I knew that with you I could do anything. I remember trying to get information about you and found out you weren’t married, you were single. I tried finding out as much information about you before I made that leap of faith. You caught on pretty quickly, probably because the co-workers I sent out to get information weren’t really good at doing so. Eventually you called me out on it and I had to take that leap of faith. You rewarded that by agreeing to go to dinner and a movie with me. I was elated, thrilled and what do I wear to the first date with the love of my life? I wear a white mustang t-shirt and jeans, classy. I still remember that date, how I was so careful while eating with braces and seeing James Bond. I remember in the days after I got your phone number so we could talk. We did talk, for hours on end. The rest, of course, is history, but I’ll always remember that initial time, when I was so nervous to speak to you. I knew with every bone in my body that we were meant to be, I just didn’t want to screw that up. So far, it appears I haven’t.

That was the last time I was ever nervous because having you in my life has been the most calming thing. I always felt that before you, there was this stormy unsettled ocean inside me and when you came into my life that ocean became calm and peaceful. You settled my nerves and calmed my restless spirit. I know that whatever happens, you’ll be there for me and that’s more than I could ever ask for. I love you.

Daily Word Prompt:
Nervous

Desire

The desire could be felt through the room, through all the people in it. Even though it was invisible to most, at least two people could feel it. Their eyes were darting back and forth, afraid of who may see. This was their own little secret and they liked it that way. If it were made public it wouldn’t ruin anything. They were both single. They just wanted something to themselves in a world that is so public.

When he walked one way, she would follow the same path across the room, never breaking her gaze upon him. When she would stop to talk with someone he would follow her movements as she talked with that person. He was contemplating his next moves, whichever would get him to her the quickest. The anticipation was killing him, burning him from the inside. He wondered if she felt the same.

Little did he know, she felt the same burn. She was doing her best to mask the pain the anticipation was giving her. She didn’t know how long she could manage. Having him in her presence was like a drug, she couldn’t get enough of him. She could feel his stare dig at her from across the room and didn’t know how much longer she could stand it. She smiled and nodded and make her escape from the conversation that would ensue.

She turned a corner to get to the hallway near the elevators. She pressed the button to go down. It was time to leave, with or without him. That was the strength of her brain talking, but her heart was weak. She slowly made her way into the elevator and chose the first floor. The door started closing and with it her hope started closing as well. Then a hand rushed in making the doors open. It wasn’t who she expected, it was a Stranger, an older gentleman. They made small talk all the way down even though she didn’t feel like speaking. She was relieved when the elevator finally stopped and opened its doors.

She exited the elevator and turned the corner to walk towards the garage. The hallway was dark and felt like a tunnel leading to the lit garage. She saw the stairwell door open in the hallway and a shadow of a man appeared out of it and came towards her. The shadow appeared to be rushing at her and when it got close enough she could tell who it was. She got in a bit of a run before the collided into each other. Even though it was dark, they knew exactly where their lips were. It was a perfect synch. They continued to kiss, feeling the secrecy of the dark. It didn’t matter who was passing and what they thought because to the world they were just two shadows embracing.

Daily Word Prompt:

Desire