I really don’t think you understand how nervous I was when I realized I loved you. I didn’t even know your name and you didn’t know mine. I didn’t know if you were married, single or otherwise. I just saw you and fell hard. It sounds mushy and foolish. At the time I tried to tell myself that I was being a silly, young girl and that I needed to be realistic. But something deeper than my brain or my heart told me otherwise. Who I was, maybe even my soul said to reach out to you, that if you were open enough and if you agreed to go out with me that we would be together forever. This was all going on in my 16 year-old head.
Can you imagine how nervous I was? My hair was orange, I wore no make-up and I was a year into braces. It’s not like I had reasons to be confident. I had to have faith that everything would work out if I listened to my inner self. From that first moment I saw you I saw my future, my purpose. I knew that with you I could do anything. I remember trying to get information about you and found out you weren’t married, you were single. I tried finding out as much information about you before I made that leap of faith. You caught on pretty quickly, probably because the co-workers I sent out to get information weren’t really good at doing so. Eventually you called me out on it and I had to take that leap of faith. You rewarded that by agreeing to go to dinner and a movie with me. I was elated, thrilled and what do I wear to the first date with the love of my life? I wear a white mustang t-shirt and jeans, classy. I still remember that date, how I was so careful while eating with braces and seeing James Bond. I remember in the days after I got your phone number so we could talk. We did talk, for hours on end. The rest, of course, is history, but I’ll always remember that initial time, when I was so nervous to speak to you. I knew with every bone in my body that we were meant to be, I just didn’t want to screw that up. So far, it appears I haven’t.
That was the last time I was ever nervous because having you in my life has been the most calming thing. I always felt that before you, there was this stormy unsettled ocean inside me and when you came into my life that ocean became calm and peaceful. You settled my nerves and calmed my restless spirit. I know that whatever happens, you’ll be there for me and that’s more than I could ever ask for. I love you.
Daily Word Prompt:
I’m sure you doubt yourself.
It probably happens from time to time,
I’m sure you don’t appreciate the reminder,
And the way I’m doing it in Rhyme.
I’m sure you don’t see yourself.
You don’t see how handsome you are,
I constantly have that nice reminder,
That when I need you, you’re not too far.
I’m sure you think your imperfect.
Well I’m imperfect too,
Whether or not I doubt you,
That will never ever be true.
Daily Prompt Word:
I started forgetting you, I didn’t mean to, it was just time doing its ugly task. It’s undying duty of making you move on. You were really my life, a motherly figure that protected me and inspired me. When you were alive I never got to truly understand and appreciate your gracefulness and courage. You faced battles as a woman and as a human being. You beat cancer once and fought like hell when it came back. You are my hero. I’m sorry that I let myself slowly forget your voice, your looks and your personality. I just got caught up in growing up and knew I had to make do without having you around.
I knew you would never see my accomplishments, my failures or my growth. I knew you would never be there on my wedding day. I knew all of this and let it stir an anger within me. I didn’t know how to grieve fully, I was just a kid when you left. It wasn’t until I happened on a TV show. I had been wanting to watch it for a long time and finally made myself sit down and do so. It was “Murder She Wrote.” I had always loved Angela Lansbury and had always heard that the show was top-notch. So I decide to watch it and fall in love. I mean, come on, who can’t help but be entertained by the stories and acting of “Murder She Wrote”?
I was binge watching the show like mad, eating up every episode. I knew why but there was something else about it that just gave me this nostalgic, warm feeling. And like with all situations involving denial or temporary blindness, eventually I found out part of the reason I enjoyed the show so much. It started with Angela Lansbury’s hair. The more and more I saw it, the more I realized it was your hair, front and back, side to side, the whole deal. That wasn’t the only thing, the more and more I watched the show, the more she reminded me of you, your personality and your spirit. Like the character Jessica Fletcher, you were sweet all the time, unless someone crossed you or those you loved.
The more I watched the show, the more sad I became. It reminded me of you, all those little details I had forgotten with age, they all came flooding back to me. I had to pause watching the show because it was just getting to be too much. I remember who you were, what you sounded like, and the grace that was your entire being. I missed you, missed and your presence and more than ever I wished you could’ve shared my big moments with me. I have to settle with the idea that you have witnessed them, just not here. I hope I’ve made you proud and that I continue to make you proud. I will work hard to keep your memory and image alive through the years. I love you and hope you’re doing well…
Daily Prompt Word:
Some people may wonder, not a lot of people mind you, but some may wonder where I’ve been the two months. I even noticed that it’s been almost three months since my last post. Well, From Mid-October on I was caught up in the whirlwind of my wedding. We were doing all the final planning and trying to get ready for the big day, since time was going so fast. Just too fast. One minute, you have on no make-up and orange hair, gawking at the electronics specialist at Target and the next you think you know, 9 years later you’re marrying him.
December 5th was the day I got married. I remember time whooshing past us so fast. At one time we were newly engaged and had two years to plan a wedding. Then it was dress rehearsal time, rehearsal dinner time and then the big day. Which by the way, it goes as fast as everyone says it does. All you want to do is to stop and drink it in, but that’s hard to do when you’re the center of the attention. You’re the attraction everyone is there to see. I’m so glad we got pictures and video made, to help capture that fast, windy wonderful day.
We’re still at that point where it’s setting in. I’ve had several people ask me how married life was, so far. I always say, trying not to be too mushy while doing so, that I’m happy and I just feel at peace. I told someone close to me recently that most of my life before my husband was a time of learning, growing, expanding and there was just so much activity. I just remember there being constant anxiety and anticipation, it felt like there was this wave or storm of restless energy that was just flowing within me. Meeting my future husband calmed the storms within me and finally marrying him has put me at peace. I think at this time, that is the best way I could possibly put it.
Another feat I tried to accomplish, while planning a wedding, was to compete against myself in the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) It’s basically a challenge to write 50,000 in 30 days. This occurs every November. It’s been going on for years and I just learned about it this past year. Wish I had known about it sooner. I underestimated the task and sort of procrastinated, causing me to only reach 15,000 words. I will not let that get me down, I will accomplish the goal this year. Being my first year of marriage, I want to accomplish as many good things as I can.
It’s really interesting how you start off in life, where your parents watch over and take care of you. They feel this deep connection and passion to defend you from any wrongdoers. It’s more interesting when you grow up, your 25, and now you feel a passion to take care of your parents. Interesting how the tables have turned. Now I have to watch over my parents and make sure they’re taking care of themselves, not working themselves too hard, etc. I understand that it is just the natural progression of life. It’s just still very surprising to me how life turns itself around to show you a different perspective.
I remember being a teenager and getting annoyed at everything my parents said. I always thought they weren’t listening or didn’t understand what I was going through. In truth, they knew more than I did and suffered through my mood swings and attitude to guide me in the right direction. It reminds me of this quote I saw on Pinterest, “All these years I tried to get my parents off my back, when in reality they were the only ones who had it.” My parents have always been my biggest supporters and fans. I really don’t know who I would’ve turned up as without them. After high school and shortly into my first year of college I told them I would do anything possible to pay them back. But again, life’s mirror reflects back and it shows me that I really can’t pay them back monetarily, not for all the priceless things they’ve done. The best I can really do is to try to live a good, fulfilling life, to help other people and to make the best of the life that will go by so fast..
Today was Father’s Day, as everyone knows. It was the first one since my grandfather passed in October 2014. It was a day mixed with laughter but also mixed with that aching feeling, like our bodies knew what we were missing something before our minds could catch up. I tried my best to be there for my father, to make him feel loved and cared for. I worry about him constantly because not long after losing his father, he quite possibly could have lost his mother as well. He’s been running a million miles an hour and hasn’t had time to really let it all out or in. He will have that time soon.
We went to the cemetery today, brushed off some family tombstones and placed flowers at each “father’s” grave. I felt that it was right, for family to visit on this holiday to pay our respects. It was cool to see others there as well, morning their lost fathers/grandfathers. The highlight of the day was eating brunch at the Casa Marina, where Evan & I are getting married in less than 6 months. It was really fun and was really sinking in, how everything, especially time, was going so fast. I’m not getting more nervous as we get closer, but actually getting excited and restless. I want the day to be here but then I don’t want it to go by too fast either.
I hope that everyone with fathers still present, celebrated them today. I hope everyone realized that a good father is a blessing and he should be thanked for the rest of his life, not just this one day, for everything he has done or sacrificed for you, his child. I have the utmost respect for my father and I owe him everything. I love him very much and always wish him the best.