Thoughts on Loss

The memory of you ebbs and flows,
The space you once held remains open,
No one can fill it, no one can try,
I’m just stuck here, with that empty space,

I have the memories that shine with nostalgia,
They taste bittersweet, not always going down smooth,
I’ve moved on, in part,
But there’s still a piece of me waiting for you,
Waiting for a word, a sighting, anything,

When I’m at my lowest, I always hope you’ll appear,
But you don’t, you can’t be what I need,
Not anymore, you’re destined to be something else.
You’re the faint sound of the wind, a sound or smell, clear only to me.

What could’ve been, a thought always present in my mind,
I’ll never forget you, as a part of you is within me,
I’ll remember you as you were when I was young,
When the whole world was before me and I had you.

I wish I had known how important our time was.
Now that I know, I wish now for nothing but time…

The Results of My 2018 Resolutions

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2018 was certainly a big year, I feel like a lot of positivity happened. In 2018 I reached the second year with my job at the U.S. Courthouse. It feels like time has flown by and I think that’s a good thing, that means I enjoy where I work and who I work with. So let’s get down to it, what where my 2018 resolutions? I placed them as a post-it note on my computer January 2018 and it’s still there today, waiting to be updated for 2019.

2018 Resolutions:

  • Drink more water (at least 30 oz a day)
  • Lose 20 pounds
  • Write everyday
  • Exercise everyday
  • Eat less processed foods
  • Beat my mom on Fitbit often
  • Volunteer More
  • Don’t be afraid to try new things

You can see by the color coding above which goals I completed successfully, and which ones still require some work. The items marked in red are being placed in my 2019 resolutions list. I would really like this year to be the year that I get things done that have eluded me in the past. I feel good about 2019, I feel positive energy. At the very least I get to tick something off my bucket list in November, I get to officiate my cousin’s wedding. Maybe I can then start something on the side marrying people. I of course would include a memorable speech/service. At least in 2018 I accomplished most of my resolutions and with the ones that I failed at, at least I half-accomplished them. Progress is progress right?

 

We have to stop meeting like this

deja_q_hd_046_resized_6484It keeps happening no matter what I do. There are periods where I don’t upload anything to the blog and I keep kicking myself. It’s like with a diary how if you don’t keep up with it every day or every week you end of with months of blank space. It’s the same thing with this blog, my resolution for 2019 is to write something, anything and post it each day. It wouldn’t hurt me, if anything it may help.

It’s just a facepalm situation no matter how you view it. I love to write, it releases stress and it extends my creativity to another plain. One of my resolutions for 2019 is to write more, at least once a day. Just write something, it doesn’t have to be published but it should be something! Let’s see if I can stick to this resolution, I did pretty well with my 2018 resolutions. More on that later! Wish me luck!

 

Silence

Funny thing, silence can be. One word can be felt in so many different ways, so can no words at all. It all depends on where you are and who you’re with.

Sometimes if we are silent we are determined to be wise, weak, scared, unnerving. Imagine yourself sitting in a hammock outside and there is nothing but silence. During the day that can be peaceful, relaxing, but during the evening it can be scary or make you feel uncertain.

It can bring someone clear thoughts or make the mind race. It can be reassuring or haunting.

There is nothing more peaceful or terrifying then silence.

Daily Prompt Word:

Silent

Changing Perspectives

It’s really funny how your perspective changes with age. You realize the way you acted when you were younger. That if only you had half the perspective you have now, then maybe youth wouldn’t have been so dramatic. When you look back it seems ridiculous the things that you obsessed over, the people you obsessed over. Except for Johnny Depp, this is the one obsession that I will never regret. I’m pretty sure it got me through middle school in one piece.

Anyways, your perspective changes with age in ways you didn’t imagine. You feel so much depth in the situations you face. When you look at your parents you no longer see two people hell-bent on holding you back from fun, you see two people who sacrificed so much to make sure you had all the opportunities possible. They most likely gave up some of their dreams, to make yours come true. This part of perspective isn’t fun because you inevitably realize that you can never repay them back, even if you won the lottery, though that would help.

Age not only brings depth to everything around you but it also brings a realization, a peace. You know what you want and you know what to do to get it. The simplest of things bring you peace amongst the crazy day. All the questions you had when you were younger are either pointless or answered by now and you find new purpose. You’ve grown up, you’ve reached that point and now you can go wherever you want. You’re not bound by the rules of childhood, you make your own. It really is quite freeing and reassuring, enough so that I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self personally that it will all work out, that all the pain, challenges and struggles would all work out.

I view age kind of like a hill/mountain. People always joke that by a certain age you are over the hill, but really what is wrong with that? People who are “over the hill” have seen much more and can offer much more perspective. Sometimes it can be hard to admit, but most of the things your parents told you were right. Even now it stings, but it’s the truth. You have to realize and accept the truth no matter how painful it may be. That’s what age and experience does to you, gives you perspective and the ability to do something about it.

Daily Prompt Word:

Age

What’s with the Puzzled Expression??

Do you ever take a moment during your day and watch people react to things around them? I love seeing the uninhabited looks of confusion and disgust when something in their world is off kilter. Sometimes I’ll say something around my co-workers just to see their facial expressions, plus I actually agree with what ever I’m saying… I try to think of the best type of face I see on a regular basis…Oh! A good one is where you can tell someone just smelt something awful and they do a silent yawn/gag to themselves but little do they know, you’re there witnessing it all from a safe smell free distance.

I guess my second favorite look is the puzzled expression. It’s the one that someone has when ever they pull on the door that has the obvious push sign, the one where they go to open a door (it’s locked) and they continue to try to open it, as well as the puzzled look that comes over their face when they’re looking for their keys or their phone all the while the item they’re searching for is in their hand all along. It really is such a simple pleasure. You should try it sometime.

Daily Prompt:

Puzzled

Profuse

There seems to be a profuse amount of  negativity in the air at this moment. I bet you that there will be some people who immediately jump to politics when I say this, or to the sexual harassment awareness environment or to the racial movement and some may even jump to the police use of force awareness. Sure, you could think of negative things when you think of all of that, but I’m thinking in general. We can’t get 1 week into the new year before someone murders someone or before someone drinks, drives and kills someone. We cannot go one week into the new year without drugs being spread, people overdosing and we cannot go one week into the new year without another lost soul thinking there’s only one way out.

There’s just this profuse amount of hatred, bigotry, lack of consideration that has just spread like the plague and no one seems to notice. If anyone has noticed then no one has taken steps to change the environment. I really don’t know what’s more toxic now a days, the actual environment itself or the environment we create around us. Where is our humbleness and our humanity, our compassion? I know this may be a rant that goes no where but surely I’m not the only one who thinks this? I don’t want this to turn into any one discussion but I want to know if there are others that just get astounded at the way we treat each other lately.  It seems to be getting worse, not better.

We have to stop pointing fingers at others for the wrongs in this world and turn the attention at what we’re doing as well, or more on what we’re not doing. Are we standing up for what we believe in and looking at situations from all sides? Are we evaluating policies and practices that my outdated or offensives. I think we can be progressive without the endless shoving of the same information down the throat. Instead of receiving constantly new information to help me move onward, I get the same regurgitation of the “facts” I’ve already heard. It is truly amazing how profuse the negativity is. Let’s try to be a little nicer to each other, realize that everyone has their own battles. We should be compassionate and open to new things. Thanks for listening to my rant, I’m sure it will not be the last one in my life.

Daily Prompt:

Profuse

How Talking about your fears somehow helps alleviate them

Isn’t it funny how some people seem to talk much more than usual when there’s something serious going on? Not everyone does, but I know that I tend to do that. Mine usually flares up in anticipation of something. So if I’m waiting on some medical test results, I’m usually talking up a storm with whoever is in the same room with me. If I’m waiting for medical updates on someone else, like a family member, then asking them questions and talking about their symptoms just seems to work. I know I’m probably driving that person crazy but they may not realize that it’s like a stress reliever for me, to be able to talk freely and educate myself on what’s going on.

I’ve done this recently, as one of my parents started to feel ill in multiple places. Until we could get more answers I would continually ask them how they were feeling, what their symptoms were, just a general quest for a status update really. Doing that basically tempered my anxiety and nerves for a little bit, rather than me going stir crazy. Thankfully it turned out that person is fine overall, just had a couple of things that needed to be fixed/medicated.

It’s funny to say it out loud, but talking to yourself about your own fears helps as well. I have anxiety, I’ve had it the majority of my life, since I was a toddler. It ebbs and flows depending on what’s going on around me, what’s going on in my head. I got to a point where I was letting my anxiety take control and throw me into panic attacks, panicked thinking. It got to the point where I needed to take medication, otherwise I would constantly insist that something was wrong with me and ask to be taken to the doctor. The medication I took helped to relax and be able to reflect on what I was going through, what specifically triggered my anxiety and how I could help ease it over time. After a few months I weaned myself off of the medication to try to handle it myself. I discovered that I could feel a panic attack coming and I knew I had to do something. One time, I saw in the bathroom and talked to myself. I just started talking out loud, pointing out the craziness of what I was thinking. I found that to be my secret weapon.

You see, I feel like with anxiety (mine specifically) you can have these thoughts and emotions come through and you feel like you can’t control them. That is because your brain has convinced the rest of your body, including your heart, that you are dying or that something is wrong. Your brain is making you listen to what it wants you to hear. When you speak out loud, your speaking outside of the brain and I think that’s important. When I speak out loud I tend to hear it much more clearly and I believe myself when I’m talking out loud.

First Mortgage Payment, not as bad once you finally pay it..

I remember that one of the first things that worried me when we were house hunting was the mortgage payment. I knew it was going to be more than our monthly rent at the apartment, but I wanted us to have something more and to actually put our hard-earned money towards something meaningful. When we found our house and the offer was accepted I again had that realization that we’d have that first mortgage payment to worry about. There was so much pressure and tension in my chest from the anxiety. But I managed it, it would ebb and flow every now again, including at the closing.

Once that was over we were taken over by the high of owning our first home. We pulled up carpet, painted walls and really got things together for the big moving day. We got all moved in and unpacking boxes when I realized it again, the first mortgage was coming up! I was so anxious and panicky right until the actual day I went to pay the first mortgage payment. When I was done I didn’t really have that moment of dread that everyone had been talking about. I mean yeah, it kind of hurt financially to make a bigger payment but I wasn’t devastated by it. I felt a relief actually. I felt relief in that finally my money wasn’t going down the drain but to something useful.

I feel like my husband and I are right where we need to be. We can do anything we want with our home and it feels great. Once you get past that initial anxiety it’s all smooth sailing from there. Well, there be some rough waves, but you get the picture.

When you realize you have to start watching over your parents

It hits everyone at some point. You reach the age where you start worrying more. What age did you realize that you had to start watching your parents more closely? Now I’ve always worried about my parents to some extent that they were working too hard, etc. But it wasn’t until my early 20s that I really thought about everything that could go wrong. I knew that to some extent there was nothing I could do, but then again, I knew there were things I could do to help them. I remember a time when I tried to learn to mow the lawn and that didn’t work out very well. But that situation resolved itself, my parents now do not have to take care of the lawn or pool and I’m very happy about this. For years I kept telling them that my boyfriend (now husband) could do it for them, but they are definitely the sort of people who don’t always ask for help when they need it.

Out of both my parents I worry more about my father. My mom I still worry about, but for different reasons. She exercises regularly, goes cycling, so the things that worry me would be her having an accident on the road or exercising her body too much. My dad has always worried me more for many reasons. When I was younger he managed a retail store and there was an armed robbery one night and if it wasn’t for a woman who wandered in and spooked the robbers, my father and his co-workers may not be here today. So that’s one reason I’ve always worried about him. I remember being a child and staying up in bed until I heard him come in. It was only then that I could go to sleep. Now a days I’m just worried about the strength of his body. I know that he’s a strong person, he’s not overweight but he’s not super fit, he’s normal, there’s just no guarantees really. Take one of my high school gym teachers for an example. He was the head football coach and taught weight training, but then one evening he collapsed from a heart attack and he was physically fit and in his 30s.

I know I’m starting to ramble, it’s just that you get to the point where you check up more on your parents. You want to know how they’re feeling and you don’t want them to lie because they don’t want to worry you. Every time that comes up in my family I always remind them that that is what family is for. You’re supposed to worry about the ones you love, it just part of the deal. Multiple family members try to pull this and I remind them that when you start a family you have a responsibility to them, to tell things, to involve them. Whether it worries or saddens them shouldn’t play a part, it should be expected and appreciated. When someone worries about you that simply means that they love you and they care. You can’t prevent someone who loves you from worrying, it will happen sooner or later. What you can do is soften the blow by talking to them.

We had a family member keep a secret from us. When we finally learned the truth, that they had been keeping a medical secret from us, that truly hurt more than the years of worrying about them would’ve been. I had a grandfather that had kept secret for 5 years that he was battling cancer. 5 years! He stated that he kept it secret for two reasons (1) he didn’t want to worry us too much and (2) it was his decision/right to disclose what he wanted, when he wanted. You can imagine the hurt, anger and worry experienced after those statements. But we couldn’t be too angry with him, because when he decided to reveal to everyone that he had been battling cancer, it was only because in a week he would be having his bladder/prostate removed in an intensive surgery. SO we had to get over the initial shock and deal with the impending surgery that would take all day. I remember it was a Wednesday. I remember insisting that I be there, in case anything happened. I wanted to be there in that moment with my family so we could take information in together. That’s one of the best benefits of having a family with you, is that they are there with you through the good and the bad. It is foolish to think that you can spare someone you love, that you can spare their pain. All you can do is soften the blow and include them.

Ever since that revelation with my grandfather, everyone in the family got an earful from me about it. I made sure everyone knew my feelings on it and that I never wanted to get that kind of surprise again. I made my parents swear that they wouldn’t pull those types of shenanigans on me, that I deserved to know everything that was going with them. Luckily they agreed. I’m sometimes surprised by feelings on the subject, on just how much I really want to be involved and how much information I want to know. I’m wondering if I’m the only one.