I started forgetting you, I didn’t mean to, it was just time doing its ugly task. It’s undying duty of making you move on. You were really my life, a motherly figure that protected me and inspired me. When you were alive I never got to truly understand and appreciate your gracefulness and courage. You faced battles as a woman and as a human being. You beat cancer once and fought like hell when it came back. You are my hero. I’m sorry that I let myself slowly forget your voice, your looks and your personality. I just got caught up in growing up and knew I had to make do without having you around.
I knew you would never see my accomplishments, my failures or my growth. I knew you would never be there on my wedding day. I knew all of this and let it stir an anger within me. I didn’t know how to grieve fully, I was just a kid when you left. It wasn’t until I happened on a TV show. I had been wanting to watch it for a long time and finally made myself sit down and do so. It was “Murder She Wrote.” I had always loved Angela Lansbury and had always heard that the show was top-notch. So I decide to watch it and fall in love. I mean, come on, who can’t help but be entertained by the stories and acting of “Murder She Wrote”?
I was binge watching the show like mad, eating up every episode. I knew why but there was something else about it that just gave me this nostalgic, warm feeling. And like with all situations involving denial or temporary blindness, eventually I found out part of the reason I enjoyed the show so much. It started with Angela Lansbury’s hair. The more and more I saw it, the more I realized it was your hair, front and back, side to side, the whole deal. That wasn’t the only thing, the more and more I watched the show, the more she reminded me of you, your personality and your spirit. Like the character Jessica Fletcher, you were sweet all the time, unless someone crossed you or those you loved.
The more I watched the show, the more sad I became. It reminded me of you, all those little details I had forgotten with age, they all came flooding back to me. I had to pause watching the show because it was just getting to be too much. I remember who you were, what you sounded like, and the grace that was your entire being. I missed you, missed and your presence and more than ever I wished you could’ve shared my big moments with me. I have to settle with the idea that you have witnessed them, just not here. I hope I’ve made you proud and that I continue to make you proud. I will work hard to keep your memory and image alive through the years. I love you and hope you’re doing well…
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