Saw The Daily Post’s one-word prompt for today, using the word Abandoned. See their original post there Here.
What a heavy word. It’s so thick with depth and meaning. Someone could just be standing next to you and if they were to say the word, “Abandoned,” well you’d want to know more. The word leaves you asking questions, leaves you wanting to know more. I think everyone could say the word and relate it to a point of time in their life. I can. First thing I thought of when I saw the prompt was my grandmother Pearl. The way she passed made me feel abandoned.
Anytime you lose someone suddenly, that you had a deep connection with, it does feel like abandonment. That’s just the truth. I was 13 when my grandmother passed. She had promised to look after me and to be there for everything important in my life. I was incredibly selfish as a kid, because if I knew everything I knew now, I would’ve done more and I would’ve resented her less when she passed.
I knew she was sick, but my point of view she had bounced back once before, so she could do it again. I had no concept of Cancer, of what it could really do, what it really was. I knew it was bad, but didn’t really know how bad it could be. I thought Pearl (my grandmother) was invincible. She could protect me and she was strong, I didn’t think I would lose her. But I did. She was so young, only 61. When she passed I resented both her and God for what they did against me. I knew she would miss my high school years, dating and my wedding day. And that just irked me for a long time. Still does every once and awhile.
I’m older now, I know that she didn’t abandon me, she was just a huge loss and the only way I could get through was to convince myself that she abandoned me. At that time I wasn’t at the age where I realized that it wouldn’t be the first time I’d lose someone I loved, that would happen again 13 years after this. If I had been older when she was sick, I would’ve helped her around the house. I would’ve helped her with her treatments and medication. I would’ve taken care of her right until the end, to make sure she was comfortable.
All the things I could’ve done, but I just have to accept that everything happened the way it was meant to. What matters is that I no longer think I was abandoned.